The Guilt of Secondary Infertility & Unconscious Beliefs

The desire to complete my family of six became vital when the twins were three and my son was two. Because we got pregnant naturally right after the twins were born, I thought we might have cured our infertility, and I was ready to start trying for our fourth.

However, my husband was not on the same page as me.

We constantly argued as I tried to convince him we could handle another baby. After a year of begging, I finally got a reluctant yes. However, he was not willing to use any assisted reproductive help. So, I became obsessive about anything I could do to help our chances.

I made an appointment to remove my Nexplanon birth control and read fertility books to understand my body and egg health.

I changed my diet to vegan, began detoxing from endocrine disrupters, and became obsessive over my cycle.

Yet it seemed like nothing I was doing worked as the months turned into years, and still no pregnancy. I felt ashamed, resentful, frustrated, anxious, and like a failure after every unwanted period, emotions that were too familiar from my previous years with infertility.

I would try to confide in family and friends, but I felt judged and told that I should be happy with my three kids. They were right, I was incredibly blessed, yet I couldn't change how I felt. My husband even judged me. He constantly said, "We have three healthy kids; don't you feel selfish for wanting more?" His words hurt more than I can describe.

I felt guilty for wanting more and that I wasn't grateful for my beautiful children.

I constantly counted other people's children and blamed myself for not giving my son a brother or another sibling to play with.

Each negative test was a harsh reminder of the time gone by and the growing age gap between their potential sibling.

The hardest moments were when my kids would say things like, "Mommy, can we have a little brother or sister?". It felt like a knife right in the heart. I wanted to scream, "I wish so badly I could give you another sibling right now!" but I knew that I could never guarantee that, and of course, they wouldn't understand.

I became so focused on the end goal of getting pregnant and navigating all the challenges that came with it that I couldn't permit myself to be happy.

I felt like I didn't deserve to experience joy because I wasn't delivering on my promise to give my children another sibling. I thought I was letting down my family and friends, with whom I shared my desire for a fourth child. I found myself living on autopilot, disconnecting from my life. I lived with the mindset, "I'll be happy when I have a fourth baby."

During one of my lowest points, when I felt angry and frustrated after getting my period again, I hit a parked car when I pulled into a CVS parking lot.

This moment was the breakthrough I needed to make a shift; I couldn't continue living this way. So I researched fertility coaches when I got home and scheduled a call. I was ready to sign up until I heard myself ask the coach if I could pay through Venmo to hide the payment from my husband.

I realized I was not empowered and needed to re-evaluate this childhood dream of a family of six.

This aspect of my fertility journey led me to my passion for fertility coaching and ultimately signing up for the Institute of Integrative Nutrition, which taught me about living a holistic and fulfilling life. It has led to self-discovery and resolve, helping me identify my belief system and why I was so fixated on a fourth baby.

Finally, I could change the story's narrative I was telling myself and enjoy the present moment and my incredible family that I am so blessed with.

Some of us have a specific picture of our family we dream of as kids or want to emulate. These thoughts form unconscious beliefs we carry with us and fail to re-evaluate. For some, it might be: "I need to have three kids by 35," or "I will only be happy with a girl and a boy," or "My kids won't be close if they aren't two years apart in age," or "fill in the blank_____." 

My identity had changed from a daydreaming teenager wanting to emulate the family I grew up with to an actual mother of three Irish triplets struggling to balance her relationship, full-time job, and kids.

I needed to change my story and identity to match the life I was living now. My new identity was a mother to three toddlers and a supportive wife who wanted to help other women on their family-building journey. It took a year of self-growth and holistic tools to change my belief and thrive with this new identity.

 All these challenges I experienced while building my family have been the stepping stones intended to guide me to my passion and desire to support and empower you as you start or continue to grow your family.

Every fertility journey is different, and every person's story and identity are unique. A fertility coach ensures your beliefs align with your actions and helps you understand the best steps for your family-building journey. I would be honored to support & empower you as you navigate the ups and downs of your dream family.

Are you holding on to any unconscious beliefs about your family-building journey?