I never imagined how hard creating a family could be.
When we were younger, my best friend and I daydreamed about having four kids, living next door, and our husbands as best friends. Having kids was always so exciting, definitive, and easy. I never imagined, nor did we discuss, that starting a family would be one of the hardest experiences in my life, filled with isolation, anxiety, and uncertainty.
I stood by helpless when my sister had multiple miscarriages while trying for her first child. I witnessed her unbearable heartbreak after two losses back-to-back as she longed for a baby. I watched my other sister struggle with infertility while trying for her second child. She got pregnant easily the first time, so why was this so different? And then it was my turn. My husband and I had been trying for over a year and a half. We had finally decided it was time to see a fertility specialist. Since my sisters had both been struggling with their fertility issues, I went to the same fertility doctor they had seen, and the treatments began.
That is also when the endless questions began: Why didn't my body work like it was supposed to? Why couldn't I figure out when I was ovulating? Why did I take birth control for so long? Why couldn't we get pregnant naturally like my best friend, who was already living the life we dreamed of with four babies while I was still struggling to have my first? I became a victim of my situation and let it take the joy out of my life. I stopped booking future travel plans, skipped dinners with friends, and avoided social events where I would have to answer the question, "when are you guys having a baby?!". I couldn't bear to see any more pregnancy announcements, so I removed myself from Facebook and became even more isolated in my infertility. Every month I grieved the loss of what could have been with each negative pregnancy test, and each new cycle felt like an eternity. I was hopeless and unrecognizable to myself.
Until I decided to take control of my fertility, I changed my mindset and entered each treatment with hope, abundance, and courage. I was not willing to give up my dream of becoming a Mom. Although my journey to motherhood didn’t look like I had envisioned or as “easy” as my childhood dreams, it taught me so much about myself and life, lessons I am still learning today five years later (read more here). Within every struggle, there is a lesson, and it is up to us to listen to the whispers. Instead of constantly looking forward, living in the present moment is the way to true happiness. Practicing gratitude for the big and irreplaceable things like the support from my sisters, best friend, and loving husband, as well as the simple pleasures like my iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts, were all things to be grateful for. Changing my mindset and old beliefs of what I thought starting a family “should” look like and removing the blame of how I may have impacted my fertility along my journey allowed me to become empowered and do the next best thing with courage.
“Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom from unhappiness is attainable now, by facing what is rather than making up stories about it. Unhappiness covers up your natural state of well-being and inner peace, the source of true happiness. “- Eckart Tolle.
